Curvy Secret Agents

Yayitas Encubiertas

The countless incidents in which American government officials have been involved with Colombian prostitutes evidence that, these women are like kryptonite for Superman: a lethal substance.

The article published by the Miami Herald on May 26th about the most recent scandal is like the preview of a movie, specially because the Colombian and American authorities kept the situation top secret since it happened on the wee hours of February 4th, 2017. Next, I’ll give you the highlights of the article. Imagine a suspenseful soundtrack and a deep narrator’s voice:

“A trio of US Marines take to the streets of Bogota. After visiting a couple of popular joints, the three married men decide to dismiss their 1 a.m. curfew and venture in a zone prohibited for Pentagon officials. They drink massive amounts of highly intoxicating Colombian liquor known as aguardiente while dancing cheek to cheek with beautiful women. The three man arrive at their hotel at 4:30 am with four women, and a couple of hours later, two of the marines end up in the ER of a hospital showing signs of intoxication by the drug benzodiazepine, probably slipped in their drinks. The third marine, who isn’t drugged, realizes that his friends’ companions and the two prostitutes he hires with cash advances from the official credit card, are not just bombshells looking for a good time, but rather curvy secret agents who are after the classified information contained in the electronic devices the women steal from them. His new mission would be recovering the vital data, his career reputation, and the trust of their wives.”

In the words of Mark Twain, “Truth is stranger than fiction” and these marines look like The Three Stooges. According to the Miami Herald reporting, the officials involved in this embarrassing incident, had been briefed at their arrival to Colombia about the targeting of foreign nationals by sexy women and the use of the drug scopolamine to incapacitate and rob their victims.

In addition, the three marines graduated from the SERE training (Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape,) which teaches the skills to survive in combat zones if a soldier loses his or her platoon or falls captive by the enemy.

In other words, this training program transforms a regular soldier into Rambo. So, I ask, how the heck could four women armed only with batting lashes and silicone curves break their defenses and years of tactical training in just a few hours?

Colombia’s economy is fragile and the climate for crude oil production, the number one sector of internal revenue and exports, is currently threatened from many angles. Therefore, experts recommend diversifying through agriculture, tourism, and the service industry. Yet, I have another idea.

Colombia could monetize a training program of curvy spies all over the world. Or even better, they could open an intensive camp for bilateral cooperation with the Trump Administration and teach intelligence and military corps how to deal with carnal temptations that risk their well-being and national security.

Thank you for reading and sharing.

Xiomara Spadafora

This column was sponsored by Zellner Insurance Agency. Many things in life don’t have insurance. For everything else call Zellner (888) 208-8119

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