During the past holiday weekend I had the fortune of spending time with two of my best friends –one, my “partner in crime” from the college adventures at Javeriana University who lives in Orlando, and the other one, her cousin who lives in Miami, and who I met when I moved to the U.S. in 2005. Due to the distance between us, we always meet in Orlando.
My husband and my son stayed home and gave me the “day off” –something that never happened before, but that will happen again soon!– to travel to Orlando and join the “musketeers”. From the moment of my arrival and throughout 20 full hours, the “three amigas” talked, without catching a breath, about all the things that happened in the past two months. Five kids, two husbands, one ex-husband, and one ex-boyfriend had their turn in the “chain saw”. However, the recent ex-boyfriend became our favorite subject and consumed most of our verbal surgical training.
Even though our friendship is counted in decades –OMG!– never before have we had such a special “specimen” for our masculine dissertations. And believe me, we’ve seen it all! Although, it was painful for my friend to remember his treason, we were able to exorcise his memory and turned him into the best joke; because there is nothing like laughter to heal a broken heart.
Before we started the dissertation, the three of us decided to change professions, and became bacteriologists so we could look at the specimen for what it was: a piece of crap. Now, the highlights of the analysis of the sample–which we named 3X SOB.– are as follows:
In a nutshell, this parasite applied the chavista/socialist policies –that are consuming his country under corruption and poverty– on my friend’s fragile economy; meaning that he saved his money while he spent hers. All of his Christmas and birthday presents –IF the 3X SOB gave anything– where knock off items or articles on sale which didn’t allow for exchanges. Therefore, my friend had to squeeze her toes into a pair of shoes he gave her knowing those were one size smaller.
We also found that this kind of parasite doesn’t develop in a habitat by itself, but with the nurturing of its progenitors, which are an advanced species of “taking advantage-llitus of the weak-llitus“.
In concluding, we observed that this single-celled organism suffered from narcissistic delusion which makes him believe that the average pectorals and six-pack-abs make up for the landing strips on his forehead, the chicken legs calves, and the lack of… let’s just say class; we don’t want to turn this story into a boring sexual dysfunction class, do we?
When the analysis was over and we put the residue of the specimen in the trash, the pretend bacteriologists hung their white coats and put the microscope away. I packed my bag, kissed my girlfriends goodbye, and drove home where I found my man and a half waiting for me with open arms. My musketeers also went back to their lives and took their four children to Universal Studios in 90 degree heat for the remainder of Sunday.
Once at home, I walked the path of anticipated destruction in my absence. My boys did great, except for the plants outside the front door which were completely parched. Before I left for Orlando I thought about telling my husband to water them, but I had to ask him to feed and water the dogs as well. I chose the latter to simplify the instructions. With only hope in my heart I poured a bunch of water on them before going to bed. The next morning, when I took my pups out to go potty, I found a great surprise. Both plants came back to life greener and full of flowers.
Immediately, I thought about my friend from Miami and this week’s lesson. She is a wonderful woman, a great friend, and a great mom. She has known unbearable pain and her losses are her angels in heaven.
No matter if the 3X SOB broke her heart. The bacteria will surely be flushed out of her body in no time. She taught us this weekend that you can’t stop believing in love and I am completely sure she –like my dead plants– will bloom again.
Thanks for reading and sharing.
Xiomara Spadafora
Good crazy woman 